UsaTink

11th November 2012

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Disappear

Ever since high school I have felt like there was great changes. It’s been 4.5 years since then some friends have joined the army, or have married, moved out, have graduated, or on the verge of graduating, gone to trade school, or have dropped. But they made those choices already. I feel stuck. Stuck. Because not only am I in the last of my school, but I cannot move forward until I overcome a course. I’m alone, and no intention of being in a relationship. At least the people that I know have a since of ever lasting love next to them, or even just the illusion of it. But I, I have been living in my beautiful head. The illusion of graduating, moving far, far away from this city. I feel empty, I feel lonely, and vulnerable. I’m so unhappy with all the things going around me. I think maybe I deserve to be in this miserable position. I’m trying to fill in the empty gaps with materials some healthy and some not. But that only feeds the gap for a bitt. I don’t want to fall in situations where I can’t get myself out of. My mind is screaming for an outlet. I just don’t know where to begin. I’m tired of telling people, they either have the same thing to tell me or they switch subjects. I just want move on. But I don’t know how. I wish I could disappear.

2nd October 2012

Post with 1 note

3 Musketeers

What comes in three? A trilogy maybe? A trio, a triangle, triplets, it’s an odd number as we can tell. It’s not an easy task when you roll out the three but many things comes as pair of twos. Shit my favorite number is two. The second day of June in which I was born, the set of twins, the set of soul-mates, which only is two. Usually things are easier paired in to two. Rides are set up into two seats. It’s difficult to be the third member of now riding duo. It takes time getting use to this. It was so easy becoming extremely close to you two, the way we had conversations in which we would share ideas about our future, and about our goals, and aspirations. The way we held one another’s perspective into sheer ideation. The love we shared from finding one another’s company of having this outright foolish wish to hold onto adventures of unknown lands, and fun. The experience of gaining each others emotions on cue, the way we held one another’s positions with problematic situations. The influence we had on one another. The way we understood one another like no one else better than our own mothers. Are deepest, most scariest thoughts, and fears. We shared a dream. We shared everything. The way it has been ripped by the third sheet to make a two. Make the We into Us. It makes me sad. Worried, scared, account less of emotions. But it was stopped once I heard Luis tone of admiration of knowing how content he was. It stopped and I was able to stop the anguish feeling of fear. But then it became clear to me that it wasn’t the three of us having a problem. It was two. I have held a closer relationship towards Bianca since the beginning. Since the first day we meet at FHS. I knew that you and I were going to be close. I scooped the room to see a very intelligent, and pretty woman. I have had friends in the past but never as the close as you guys have been with me. The way I can sit for hours and talk about mindless situations, and things. I feel angry and hurt. It was because you took so long in telling me you both were together. But it’s mainly how betrayed I feel like I’ve been pushed a side as if someone where to say ill deal with her later. Time is precious. Time… Many have said give it time. I honestly think we have been wasting it. We could have spoken about how we’ve felt said the bad things we’ve needed to say to each other. Tell each other how negative our thoughts have been towards one another. I’m starting to isolate myself from things that I love, from you guys and its unraveling me. It’s breaking my heart to see a friendship I’ve been so a part of these past five and half years is going down the drain as I write this message. I feel awkward around Bianca, I feel like I can’t even look at you in the eyes because of how hurt I am. It’s not because of Bianca and Luis being with one another its because Bianca, you have left me to the side. I get why you have given space between us. But we should have said the nasty things we needed to say. No matter how hurtful they were going to be. Because it would have made me look, it would have made me turn around and face the humongous ball of shit on the road. We would have made this friendship stronger. All I feel now is anger, and neglect for being put aside from your priorities. I saw you as family. I have a place for you In my family, I even took you to meet them. It’s a blow to see that I was once so high in your priorities only to see myself as none in this past month. Luis I always saw you as a brother. I understand why you love Bianca the way you do. I see it too. So this is how I feel. I’m not professing lesbian love to you. I saw you as a sister, that I never had, I told you in my 22 bday how much I held you before anyone. I love Luis with all my heart like a brother, but I already have a brother I knew that emotion all to well. I have never had a sister, something that you know all to well. I bless you guys that you found love with one another. But understand where I’m coming from. I hope we can mend this. Cuz I don’t want to lose my family, a sister and brother.

P.s. I known we have been through a lot. We have seen, and had one in lifetime experience with one another. I hope you guys understand where I stand. I’m not mad at the both of you. Just wished things where said in an earlier time manner.

-(A member of the 3 musketeers)
Monsy

Tagged: Friends3musketeers